It's happening. Here comes the pain.
There is a theory related to pain called the Gate Theory. Basically the theory states that pain can either be stopped or started while in route by the addition or subtraction of another source. The "gate" to pain can be opened or closed.
Starting over, focusing on the kids stability has been my gate. Survival took precedence, blocking out all the other pain.
Now that God has us so nice and cozy, settled and safe....the gate has opened. My pain blocker is gone.
Lindy has this adorable way of reaching out her arms in expectation to everyone she sees. As soon as she sees someone, stranger or not, she throws herself towards them and waits for them to undoubtedly swoop her up with kisses and grins. I get it kid. I feel the same way. I find myself grasping and reaching for something to fill the hole. To be my husband, my friend, my ally.
I know that God is the only one that can make me feel whole again. Heal that place in my heart. But humanly, I still try to numb it out. Attention seeking from guys, cigarrettes, spending money, eating, grasping for anything that will close the gate to pain. I'm trying and failing and trying once again, to not create any idols. I know God is enough and I'm trying to force my actions to reflect the truth that I know...God is enough. He is my hope. He will restore. He does have plans. He will make this nightmare into something beautiful.
Oh Mary. Very well said. I hear ya. Amy
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about this post since you wrote it just trying to think of something to say and well, so far nothing. The pain is part of the healing process, it sucks but we need it. I know you will be okay, I know you will prosper in the end.
ReplyDeleteThe one thought that comes to mind is something I have learned through experiencing what I have gone through in divorce...
ReplyDeleteThere is no way around the pain. We can keep avoiding it, softening it, deadening it, and putting it off for another day; but it will always be there waiting for us. And until we take a deep breath, hike up our petticoats, and dive straight in we will never know how incredibly brave and courageous we can be. And how incredibly in all ways faithful God will show himself.
As labor pain is good, this post-divorce pain can be used for a purpose. Don't be afraid of it. You are stronger than you know! You can do this. You will rise up with wings like an eagle! And you know what? It may not last as long as you think it will.
* Read Psalm 91 -
"You will take refuge under the spread of His wings."
Okay Miss Mary, it's been over a month. How are you doing? I mean I see your FB updates but really, I miss your writing ;0)
ReplyDeleteXOXO