Forgiveness is tangy

An excerpt from my journal:

What do my actions say about forgiveness?

Am I unforgiving or is it rightful anger?

Am I bitter or am I holding him accountable for his choices?

Maybe I have forgiven. Perhaps I only _feel_like an angry, uncompromising bitch, when I stick to my boundaries. Boundaries are something new. They feel weird. Perhaps I'm just being protective of myself after having been hurt so deeply.

It's good to protect. Healthy even. I have the choice as to what role he gets to play in my life. If he is not safe, I don't have to talk to him.

The following are hard choices made out of protection, not meanness:

1. Not talking to him

2. Limiting the kids exposure to him

3. Not budging on the boundaries I've set for child support

4. Requiring a passed drug test before he spends time with the kids.

What does unforgiveness look like?

Slandering, bringing up his failures needlessly, stubbornness, feeling like he owes me something, purposefully not moving on...I'm sure there is more. Am I doing that?

When I fume inside because the sermon is about how husbands are to protect their wives, is that unforgiveness? When the kids complain about their shoes being two small, and I get frustrated because I know I can't afford new shoes and wasband isn't helping financially at all, is that bitterness?

So it seems to me that after praying about it, I think I have forgiven him. I think what I feel is justified anger rather than unforgiveness. If I watched a dog get abused would I feel like I had unforgiveness issues because I spoke up to stop it? No! I'd be the conduit for justice.

So I have forgiven wasband. He royally screwed me over and I'm thinking that its not unforgiveness when I don't want to talk, don't want to be his friend, don't really care about what's happening in his life. God told us that there are consequences for our sin. So, it's not unforgiveness when I say "you made your bed, now you and her can lie in it."

I think I'll go have a drink...at the communion table.