I've gone through a lot in my life. Big deals, little deals and some just annoying things...but have been able to forgive. Forgiveness was never really a struggle for me. Until now.
I just don't know if I truly am forgiving him. At church I stayed seated and cried out of frustration as others went up to take communion. I wasn't convinced my heart was clear in regards to all that has happened between the wasband and I. So how can I take communion which is remembering and thanking God for all that He forgave me for, when I don't know if I have forgiven my ex.
I get angry. I don't want to have to be the bigger man. I don't want to let him off the hook. Another woman fell asleep on my pillow after having sex with my husband, while my children and I traveled across the country without a home. Nope, don't want to forgive. She can have my pillow but I want to be angry.
I feel exactly the same way. I just got a bunch of e-mails from my wasband (love that, you are brilliant.) and he was nothing but sappy nice to me. Now everyone is telling me to show him grace, don't crush his hope, extend the good faith and FORGIVE. They warn me to do it or I will be bitter. They hear my plight for a while and then that is enough. "I have dwelt on it long enough", they say. I have studied forgiveness and I still can't put my finger on it all the way. I thought I forgave. But the wound still gapes. Why does it feel like I am threatened into forgiving? And this whole situation has become about how I can't forgive?!?!?! I feel your pain, Mary! You are putting my heart to words.
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