I should probably not be blogging. Who knows what will come out. It's kinda like drunk texting right now...except no drinking (to bad).
Relationship status: single. That's bothering me today.
I miss sharing my life with someone. I'm to the point now, where I want to join in someone elses life. When I first left, I was happy to be free from all the shared stress, inadequacies, struggles and crap that comes with being "one" with another human being. I was happy to not have someone elses crap to deal with and smile through.
It has been somewhat easy for me to starve the desire for companionship. At any time I could bring to mind a host of reasons why a boyfriend would be a horrible idea: too soon, too heart broken, no time, life unstable, the kids need all of my attention.......the problem is, those reasons aren't as strong anymore. My life is in order, we have a great routine, established friendships, my heart isn't attached to wasband anymore....... so now I'm left wanting someone to share my days with.
God has led me to various stages of healing in areas of unhealthy rationals for wanting a spouse. Wasband had been an idol for me. I relied so heavily on his leadership, decisions, income, and approval. What he said was truth. The end. Amen. Maybe that's why I made him feel so inadequate. I needed him to be God, so when he fell short, when he stopped leading me spiritually, stopped providing financial security, stopped being able to give me the strength I needed, stopped having energy to carry me.....I lost hope. I became desperate for him to fix me again. Make me ok. Make life ok. Be my Jesus. Shit! I was not expecting this.
Wasband I am sorry. You are not God. You are a man. You are weak, tired, distractable and prone to addictions just like me. I don't think I ever saw you for who you really are. Always I made you my savior, my hero. I feel like I have ruined and wasted your life. What would you have been like without me? Maybe you would have gone on to be happy. Love Jesus. Not hate yourself so much because of what you became when I broke you down. I am so sorry for making you my God and something you could never ever live up to.
I promise I am not internet stalking you.. I just happen to see on FB that you were blogging and I came over here to check it out cuz I always love to read what you have to say. First, I identify with what you said about wanting that relationship. At times the vacancy is so strong, the sting of loneliness so painful, I know how that feels. I go back and forth rationalizing not having someone in my life and then realizing that God made us to be relational with other humans. And that is exactly it: we were all created that way. And it is hard to know how to live it out once you are in a marriage. There is always something unperfect about our efforts... we can never do it right. But you ought not blame yourself so harshly for his bad decisions. He was only enriched by you, whether he knows it or not! Anyway, your honesty is more than refreshing. Keep on writing!
ReplyDeleteSelf realization and ownership of wrong doing is HUGE!! Confession and the asking of forgiveness of another who has mutually hurt you is HUGE!
ReplyDeleteNow releasing him to choose to forgive, have self realization and claim responsibility will be HUGE! What he does with the information and choices and the past are totally his deal and you are free.
Free to dance, free to run, free to love! You are free!