Errorgance

After a drunken Saturday night ("Hey, you deserve some fun.") and no remorse on my part, my best friend had a "come to Jesus" talk with me.

I am a loser. Yes, without Jesus I am a whore, drunken, irresponsible, selfish, arrogant and pitiful person. The problem is....I forgot that.

I have been living constantly looking in my rearview mirror. In comparison to a single chaotic event I have been able to proclaim: "Look how strong I am", "Look how much I've done", "Look at how much I've overcome.". Me, me, me. I am awesome, I am Rosie the Riveter.

Saturday night I went out with an old friend from High School. I ALWAYS get in trouble with this friend. It's not her, she keeps her head, but I always give myself permission to throw out all boundaries when I'm with her. Because I felt like the entire galaxy was chanting "Mary have fun, you deserve it"...I did. I have been waiting for the chance to go out and celebrate my divorce. Isn't that what you do? You celebrate a years worth of hard, but good choices by getting trashed and making really, really, bad choices? Oh our twisted world.

I am so thankful for the love of friends that will tell you when you are screwing up. I feel like a schmuck, but I'd rather have the necessary humbling then get really off track and have no idea how I got there.

I've been giving myself to much grace. There is a balance, and I tipped it. "I don't want to be a smoker, but I'll deal with that later, given the circumstances its understandable.".

The decision has been made. No longer am I going to compare my life to what I came from. I'm going to stop counting the months "since I left".

New life. Day one.