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Guys. Bleh.

Since elementary school I have not been without a relationship for more than 3 months.

It has been 7 months since I left my husband. Its starting to get a little lonely. A lot lonely. Really friggin, I'm about to name my body pillow lonely.

Yet, I have to rely on God. He is the only one that can get me through this. I don't want to just survive or cope my way through this. I want to grow, take my pain, frustrations and heartbreak and turn them into intimacy with Christ.

For a couple of months I've been chatting back and forth with a piece of man candy. He offered me understanding, a guy verbally standing up for me and saying "your husband was a fool" and made me feel like a woman and not just a mom. (For the record, we never touched). But its not right. I shouldn't numb myself. I need to face all of the pain head on...the adultery, abuse, lying, manipulation, financial strain, physical exhaustion....I don't want this waiting for me 6 months from now on the other side of some break up. So I deleted the boy from my phone and my facebook.

I'm a horrible single person but will WILL WILL be pure and continue to do what's right.

oxygen

I pinch myself sometimes to make sure
I'm not in a dream, that's how it seems
I close my eyes and breathe in the sweetest moments
I've ever known, it feels like home
And here I am, I wanna be your everything
There you are turning winter into spring


And everyone that sees you always wants to know you
And everyone that knows you always has a smile
You're a standing ovation after years of waiting
For a chance to fall and shine
Everyone calls you amazing, I just call you mine

I fall apart and just a word from you seems to fix
Whatever's wrong, you reach into the weakest moments
And remind me that I'm strong, you've gotta know
I'd be a fool not to see or even worse
To forget that you're more than I deserved

And everyone that sees you always wants to know you
And everyone that knows you always has a smile
You're a standing ovation after years of waiting
For a chance to fall and shine
Everyone calls you amazing, I just call you mine

Lyrics from Martina McBride; I just call you mine

Genesis

This is exciting and painful all at once.

Exciting because had we not found an escape from domestic violence, who knows where we would be. Had healing not happened over the past 7 months, my only communication would be through tears. Had we not somehow trudged through and found a new version of life, I wouldn't be able to find the time or energy to type this.

Pain lies in the space just after I hit publish for this post. My wasband was the one who introduced me to blogging, helped me find my voice and enthusiastically praised my every post. Now I hope that he never finds this private piece of Cyber real estate.

I'm back in the blogging neighborhood and so happy to see you.