Very Mary

Tattoo Tuesday: Shoulder

2010-11-19T08:05:00.001-08:00

Human beings are not bacteria

2010-11-18T11:13:00.000-08:00

Last night we had Thanksgiving dinner with some of our friends. As I sat down to list out my gratitudes, I realized my gratitudes were made up mainly of "I'm thankful Chris could do the work on my car" or "I'm thankful we weren't evicted at that time." All of them seemed to be dependant on something that had gone wrong.

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right? I'm not so sure. Is it really the trials that make you stronger, or were you strong to begin with and without a worthy opponent?

The reason we think trauma may be transformative is that we see variants of this process around us. Bacteria that are not killed entirely by an antibiotic will mutate and become resistant to it. People who go through the hardship of training tend to improve their performance. But human beings are not bacteria, and good training is not a traumatic event. Now it is true that, in an evolutionary sense, those who survive a calamity are by definition the fittest. But it is not the calamity that made them so. For our minds, however, the leap is short between seeing the strong emerge from a calamity and concluding that they are strong because of the calamity.Our brain is a meaning-making machine, designed to sort vast and varied sensory information into coherent, orderly perception, organized primarily in the form of narrative: this happened, which led to that, which ended up so. When two things happen together, we assume they are meaningfully linked, and then we rush to bind them in a quite unholy cause-and-effect matrimony.

Noam Schpancer, Phd
excerpts from published journal
August 2010, Psychology Today

Soooo, psychological research pretty much squashes the school of hard knocks theory and shows that if you are stronger after hardship it is probably despite, not because of the hardship.

Let me welcome to the conversation my belief that God and my determination are the source of that strength. What if I didn't have either?

We all know people that have crossed our paths that don't seem to have that Umph. They just stagger through life, blinking and unable to thrive. Why are they that way?

Yet another multi-tiered, bullet point to file away in my journal under: Predetermination

Yes I'm still talking about Halloween

2010-11-11T10:41:00.000-08:00

Seriously though, Halloween was the funnest thing ever! It ended up lasting two weekends. The first weekend was the Adult Scare Fest and the second one was all about Cute Little Dressed Up Family.

Adult Scare Fest

First off, let me just say, Halloween Horror Nights was so not worth the money. The lines were horribly long. Try 2 1/2 hours for one house before we gave up and got out of line. And, there were a ton of really annoying teenagers. Some parts were cool though. Like the time I jumped, screaming, into Chris' arms, leaving my still laced up shoes, on the ground beneath me. Which left me thinking, with a little tweaking HHN could be really awesome next year.

Mary and Chris' checklist for Halloween Horror Nights 2011:

1. Everyone rides together in one car/limo. Hooray for not waiting for the last. car. full. of. people. with. a very. very. slow. overly cautious. (slow) (very slow). woman. driver. at . the. wheel.

2. Getcha' drink on in the limo instead of the park.

3. Get R.I.P passes so we can actually see all of the houses and don't have to wait in line. Hooray for no more beng trapped in line with obnoxious teenagers!

We wrapped up Adult Scare Fest with going to some radio station parties and some nights at home with all the lights off, watching SAW in the dark. I think Chris really enjoyed the clingy, jumpy girlfriend, because he has downloaded all of the SAW movies for us to watch.

Cute Little Dressed Up Family

So much for Buddy being Spiderman and Maddie being Strawberry Shortcake. No one gets to pick costumes when you find 50 cent costumes at the flea market. But, they did ge to choose the little nuances of their costumes, and since we went to a different event each day of the weekend, their outfits were a little different each time. Mostly it depended on what they were willing to wear.

Tattoo Tuesday: Trees

2010-11-09T10:52:00.000-08:00

It's the little things

2010-10-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

Lately things have been going right. RIGHT! Me! Things are going right for ME!

I got pulled over for an expired tag, missing headlight (both things I am aware of) and a license plate that isn't assigned to any vehicle (something that I was not aware of)...and guess what? He let me go! I even made it to work on time!
Daycare was suddenly canceled yesterday, due to some type of virus, but I was already home with sick kids so I didn't have to miss more work or call in unexpectedly.
This morning I remembered to put my work clothes in the dryer before it was time to walk out the door for work.

All seemingly small things, but because normally I catch every. friggin. red light in life, I'm aware of the shift in my favor. So, thanks God for the merciful cop, planned out week and helping me to remember things.

Tattoo Tuesday: Piercings

2010-10-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

10 things I love

2010-10-14T06:16:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite spots in Lakeland.

Hometown favorite and the best beans on earth. Seriously.

My new passion: Canoeing

Tattoos with bold font and design

Yes please.

Chunk. I think she looks like a baby Cameron Diaz

Anna Maria Island. Chris used to live on the island for a couple of years. He brought us out and fed us the best fish and chips on earth. In the process he ruined me for settling for Cocoa or St. Pete beaches ever again. I can't believe it's been here all along. Shhhhhh, don't tell the tourists!

This guy

"I'll google it!"

2010-10-13T09:32:00.000-07:00

I heart Google.

Google has done away with the nightly question: "How was your day?". Instead it's a bear hug, kiss on the head and a smiling country boy asking me: "So what were you googling today?".

Work is easy, so I get hours of googling and web surfing in. Everything I have ever wondered gets googled and then spins me off on a trail of question answering.

On the way to work today I was driving along a road with lots of Oak trees. The wind up to googling began: Why does moss grow on some trees and not others? Is it a fungus? What is moss exactly? How come the moss is only on the front part of that tree?

The Rabbit trail:
Wikipedia "Moss"...which lead to
"Why are Florida rivers so brown?"....which lead to
"Women's distressed size 8.5 cowboy boots"...which lead to
"Plaid dress"...which lead to
"upcycle clothing"...which lead to
"Kate Von D t-shirt tutorial"...which lead to
"Dixie Tattoos"...which lead to
"non poultry related tattoos"...which lead to
"worst cosmetic surgery ever"...which lead to
"How to get a flawless foundation look"...which lead to
(oh yeah, I need to pay tithe, check the bank account, answer some people on FB..)
"Best canoe/camping sites"...which lead to
"Fort Desoto Campground"...which lead to some serious talking myself out of spending the money...
"Free tent sites Florida"...which lead to
"perfect picnic recipes"...which lead to me...

Planning a fun weekend get away for us, that is super cheap and involves my favorite things: the kids, the boyfriend, water, canoe, food, camping and BEER. All because of moss.

I heart Google!

Sinner

2010-10-11T10:25:00.000-07:00

I never _did_ Halloween growing up. Oh wait, take that back, I do recall one year being afraid of the dark and walking down the road dressed up like a kitten. Consequently I tripped over my long fuzzy tail, tore my tights and skinned my knee. (That gives me an idea for next years costume...road kill)

I didn't participate in Halloween again after that, because soon after my dad realized that if children dress up on Oct. 31st they are inevitibly going to grow up and become Satanists.

Maybe dressing up like a black kitten did ruin me, because this year I'm going all out. I'm going to the mecca of Haunted Houses dressed like a peacock. I could be like the rest of the girls and make it a slutty costume, but I'm keepin' it classy Florida ;).

My boyfriend and his brothers have gone to just about every Halloween Horror Night since they moved down here. I, on the other hand have never been to a single one. Not one, even though I grew up less than an hour from Universal.

Peacock inspiration board
(I know, I know, the male is the pretty peacock. I guess Im going as a peacock in drag or something.)

Feather wig

Face

Can't quite figure out how to get more "plume-y" and less like wings...

Skirt colors

UV ray thread and back plume of skirt

The kids won't be doing anything scary for Halloween. I don't like the whole, witch, devil stuff, so they will be going to trunk or treat at one of the churches. Maddie wants to be Strawberry Shortcake, Buddy wants to be Spiderman and I'm not sure what to dress Chunk up as yet.

What are you doing this month? Are you dressing up?

What. was. THAT?

2010-08-09T16:15:00.000-07:00

Tainted blood

2010-08-06T11:43:00.000-07:00

So apparantly if you have antibiotics in your system you can't donate plasma. Awesome. -$200 from my budget this month. Oh and if you are on antibiotics it's because you are sick. Also awesome -$300 for dr. visits, meds and loss of work.

Which means, you get to spend 4 days working days AND nights to keep your budget goals.

Here's to a work filled weekend.....attaches self to IV pole of Red Bull.

Anthropologie love

2010-08-03T05:54:00.001-07:00

Anthropologie is a store that for once, I actually understand why the prices are so high. It's so detailed and high fashion. I so wish there was some kind of decent knock off or outlet store, because I would never pay $700 for a pair of shoes! I'm content to just look at the pretty pictures...it's almost like sitting beside a creek for me. Just happy looking.

I couldn't figure out how to capture a picture of it, since it's all in flash, but if you get a chance, go and look at "bedding highlights". I love the room design. The dark,, edgy chalkboard paint walls contrasted against the feminine bright florals is so pretty. I'm already planning on losing my deposit after all the other painting I've done in the apt..why not go for chalkboard paint in the bedroom? How fun would that be? drawing picture frames and phrases on the wall! I could stay minimalist yet still get to change my decor weekly, daily..hey, even hourly!

Pimpin' my plasma

2010-07-29T11:35:00.000-07:00

So close. So very, very close.

At the end of August I *should* be in front of my bills, with money in an emergency fund. Obstacles: illness and lack of self control. Buddy and I have been home sick this week with strep throat. My medical bills and lack of work is putting a major cramp into my financial goals for this month. GRRRR stupid, big, white, smelly, tonsils. BUT as long as I don't blow my money on other misc. crap, I should be ok.

I'm excited to actually be in a place where I have money and can budget AND ...wait for it.....have money in a designated clothing envelope :) Finances have never been a strength for me, so it's pretty cool to see even this area in my life changing and becoming something I can be proud of.

I've had to find some really creative ways of making money: Selling things, bargain hunting, sticking to thrift stores and discount shops.....having to accept that pretty much every purchase would be my fourth choice (if given the choice). Even with all the short cuts I had a $200 difference in income and expense, so what to do? I'd already sold everything I could (besides my camera...somethings are just a no deal), cut all the corners...the only thing left was me. No I didn't become a lady of the night, but I am selling parts of my body for cash.

I found out that I can make at least $200 a month selling my plasma. It's not that bad. It takes about 1 hour twice a week and I get to read a book while I make money. Crazy that I can't donate blood because I keep getting tattooed, but they will buy my plasma from me.

One day I'll be able to tell Maddie I paid for her ballet with my blood. How's that for a guilt trip if she wants to drop out ;)

(Can I also say that I just spellchecked myself and didn't have a single error? )

Oh Snap!

2010-07-23T06:27:00.000-07:00

A TALKING vintage polaroid camera!!! I had no idea they were so cheap either!

Polaroid blog

Iheartpolaroid blog

Gratefullness

2010-07-21T09:30:00.000-07:00

Help comes in many ways.

1. Neighbors. I have awesome neighbors that check on me, let me borrow milk when it's a pain to haul all the kids to the grocery store, give me a DVD player when mine can't be fixed, offer to buy me cable, help walk the kids to the car, stand outside with an umbrella around the time I'll be home...Seriously, the kind of neighbors I've always dreamed about. My apartment complex also, has a woman that serves our community as her ministry. We get yummy Panera goods every Saturday, she collects clothes and shoes in the kids sizes, she watches the kids in a pinch and she also checks up on us every once in awhile.
3. Church. I've found a church community that feels so much like home. I have made instant friendships with people that are so cool and in love with Jesus. I knew I was home when I walked into the YMCA (where we meet) and the congregation was filled with young, tattoo embellished, baby wearing families. The worship is amazing and the people are real.
4. Lakeland. I love Lakeland and am so happy to have ended up here! My apartment is nestled in acres of moss laden Oak trees. It feels more like a campground than a multi housing complex. We go for nature walks and the kids collect acorns and chase squirrels on the way to the mail box. Every morning as I pull out of the complex to head to work, I am greeted by the sunrise on the Lake. On the way to work I pass at least 5 lakes and I never get tired of all the green and nature around me.....sometimes that nature makes it way on to my tires in the form of road kill ;)
5. The Team. I am so grateful for the amazing people in my life. Each person has such a special role.

The Bestie- This girl is uh-mazing. The most loyal, loving, Godly woman I am fortunate to be life long friends with. She also has a well perfected kick to the a$$ move, so watch out! She never lets me lose site of my goals, she understands that at times I'm tired and overwhelmed, but is faithful to remind me that despite of all that, I still have family goals that I want met.
New Friends- They didn't know me as a married woman. They weren't a part of the start over. All they know is this woman that showed up to church with three young kids. It's been so interesting to make friends that only know me as "now". Their perceptions are really thought provoking.
Family- I lived far away from them for 8 years. I wasn't that great at keeping in touch, and visits were limited to once a year at best. I had pushed out of my mind how great living by family is because thinking about it only made me sad. Now, that I'm in Florida, I love talking to my family, seeing them and getting to have them be a part of the kids lives.
My counselor- half Christian half Jedi mind trick master

Last Bag

2010-07-19T08:26:00.000-07:00

My therapist told me to buy condoms.
Awesome.

Picture it....You were patient when the woman in line before you loaded FOUR separate orders of groceries onto the checkout area. You ignored the screaming kids when the woman finally realized her minions had been unloading the candy section. You even lied and said it's no big deal, when she apologized for the bag boy having to go back and get the 'right" items for her WIC purchase. But you draw the line when after all of this, all of her unruliness, government assistance and holding you up....she plops down a package of condoms. Doesn't she have enough kids? (They are probably all by different dads.) This is what our tax money is going towards? psh, women these days.

One reason second marriages fail is because people are propelled into second relationships before they are ready. A new relationship can feel great, but it does not guarantee a solid relationship down the road.

You must grieve your losses and know you are whole before you consider another relationship. If you decide to get on with your life without dealing with the issues at hand, these issues will rise up at a later time. When they do, the hurt and pain will be even stronger.

H Norman Wright shares about a man he knew who got remarried before becoming fully healed. "After about four years into the remarriage, all of a sudden the man's buried feelings came out because his new partner started to exhibit some behaviors similar to his ex spouse. That triggered all the feelings that had never been dealt with and the marriage dissolved."

Healing comes from the Lord. Wholeness comes from the Lord. Not from a new relationship. Taken from my Divorce Care daily emails.

I'm pretty scared of getting into a relationship again. What if I only think I am healed? What if all of these secret buried feeling jump out and attack? (Hey, maybe the condoms are aptly named. hmm.)

I've healed a lot. Learned a lot, but I never. ever.ever.ever.ever.ever want to hurt like that again. Ever. Nor, do I want to hurt someone else because of any baggage I may have. But I've looked around, (thoroughly I might add) and I don't see any suitcases or satchels laying around. I'm pretty sure my team and I have done a good job of unpacking my bags.

I've been wrong about my perceptions before though, and I don't want to be some Trojan horse for some sweet guy.

Oh wait, what's this? One last bag? Fear of failure, with a carry on of distrust.

I guess I have some more unpacking to do. I'll bypass the Trojan horse and just walk instead. That is, until I get tired enough from carrying around these bags and choose to unpack them.

Pretty Things

2010-07-19T05:46:00.000-07:00

After getting rid of my Droid and the internet Friday, I ran to my laptop at work like Mel Gibson to his publicist. Now that my web thirst has lessened, I thought I'd share some of my finds.

Don't like the pattern much, but the dress being sewn in is cool. On second thought, I wonder if I would always feel like I need to hang it up...

Bloesem

Up with Wings by Beth

Adorable Heart Ukulele

I heart silhouettes. I've been working on one for Christian for some time now.

Have a sweet day!

1-800-799-SAFE

2010-07-14T07:36:00.000-07:00

Sharing

2010-07-12T10:40:00.000-07:00

I wish divorce meant everything was finished. I wish the feelings you had for the good memories, the things you loved about that person, left when you signed the papers.

They don't leave though, well, they don't leave if you refuse to hate the person or put an easy sticker of "bad" on them. There were things I loved about him. Those things are still there. The entire person isn't bad. It's tragic when you love someone so much, and love so many things about them, but you just can't stay together anymore. Friends, lovers or enemies....he can't be any of those. It makes my brain hurt trying to figure out how to relate to him. He is my children's father, he is my past, he is my present when I see the kids, he is my present when music we used to listen to comes up in the mix. So much of me was built with him. I wish I could erase it all. I've had to listen to all new artists to escape pain. I can't use certain colors in my home. I feel a huge sense of self betrayal for feeling this way at all.

So what do you do with the love? How do you dismiss all the things you liked? How do you handle sharing the best of him with someone else?

I accept it. I sit around in the grey until it clears. I let the memories visit, I smile thinking about him asking me to take a nap with him and then I can't because of his snoring. I let the Fray play thinking about Wasband by my side as I delivered Christian, I cry looking at pictures of our empty foreclosed house now on the market. I squeeze back the tears as I make another mark on the wall to show how tall the kids are.

The memories. They were great. They are done. And now I'll pray for his life and bless the good and choose to be sincerely happy for the great parts of him that will be appreciated by another.

And for myself, I'll take to God this ache. Dealing with this can only bring me closer to the other side. I know that all this hurting, all this pouring out to God is making change in me. I'm becoming more and more dependant on God for my emotional stability and to take care of my pains. One of my failures in our marriage was expecting wasband to make me better. I would spend hours after arguing just revisiting crap because I couldn't let go. The pain of the divorce is teaching me to look to Jesus for my needs. I see these areas of weakness in my life being replaced with a knee jerk reaction to turn to God to help me handle things right.

Perfectly Lonely

2010-07-09T11:26:00.000-07:00

I'm almost to the end of my journal. If I was only allowed to pass on one possession to my children, this journal would be it.

The book itself is beaten up, each page tells a story not only in words but in pictures. Although I'm not an artist, the magazine clippings, tear stains, deep thick angry writing,children's scribbles, all paint a picture of my life. My life's hopes, teachings, beliefs and insecurities have surfaced and crashed onto the pages of this book.

The pain is so dear to me. When I was on the plane, with the kids in my lap and no idea what I was doing, I made a vow that if I was going to hurt this bad, it sure as hell was going to be for something.

That something is life. I've changed. I'm stronger, independent, more confidant and feel like I am so much more balanced in the way I view marriage and people as a whole.

I didn't think I would EVER like eva, eva, say this, but..... I am thankful for the pain. I'm thankful for the maturity. I'm thankful for being able to see areas in myself I used to be blind to. I'm thankful for the dependency on God I've found. I still hurt and new crap comes up all the time, but I see the progress.

Yesterday, I was doing the squeaky cry, wondering why this can't be like childbirth. At least with childbirth there is predictable stages. When I was giving birth to Lindy and felt exhausted , hard and fast contractions and more physical pain then ever experienced before, at least I knew it was transition and I was close to the end.

Divorce isn't like that. It's like having half of your body ripped off and waiting for it to grow back. If one could do such a thing ;)

I have no idea what stage of labor I'm in, but at least I'm not at the beginning anymore.

Currently inspired by:

2010-07-09T10:24:00.000-07:00

Over the sea our galleys went,
With cleaving prows in order brave,
To a speeding wind and a bounding wave

A gallant armament:
Each bark built out of a forest tree.

Over the Sea our Galleys Went by Robert Browning

Galatians 5 (Message)

2010-07-08T08:45:00.000-07:00

It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.

If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom.

But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.

Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good

Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.

Like A Punch To The Jimmy

2010-06-30T08:41:00.000-07:00

I should probably not be blogging. Who knows what will come out. It's kinda like drunk texting right now...except no drinking (to bad).

Relationship status: single. That's bothering me today.

I miss sharing my life with someone. I'm to the point now, where I want to join in someone elses life. When I first left, I was happy to be free from all the shared stress, inadequacies, struggles and crap that comes with being "one" with another human being. I was happy to not have someone elses crap to deal with and smile through.

It has been somewhat easy for me to starve the desire for companionship. At any time I could bring to mind a host of reasons why a boyfriend would be a horrible idea: too soon, too heart broken, no time, life unstable, the kids need all of my attention.......the problem is, those reasons aren't as strong anymore. My life is in order, we have a great routine, established friendships, my heart isn't attached to wasband anymore....... so now I'm left wanting someone to share my days with.

God has led me to various stages of healing in areas of unhealthy rationals for wanting a spouse. Wasband had been an idol for me. I relied so heavily on his leadership, decisions, income, and approval. What he said was truth. The end. Amen. Maybe that's why I made him feel so inadequate. I needed him to be God, so when he fell short, when he stopped leading me spiritually, stopped providing financial security, stopped being able to give me the strength I needed, stopped having energy to carry me.....I lost hope. I became desperate for him to fix me again. Make me ok. Make life ok. Be my Jesus. Shit! I was not expecting this.

Wasband I am sorry. You are not God. You are a man. You are weak, tired, distractable and prone to addictions just like me. I don't think I ever saw you for who you really are. Always I made you my savior, my hero. I feel like I have ruined and wasted your life. What would you have been like without me? Maybe you would have gone on to be happy. Love Jesus. Not hate yourself so much because of what you became when I broke you down. I am so sorry for making you my God and something you could never ever live up to.

Writing to Be Conscious

2010-06-18T10:41:00.000-07:00

I hate posts that start off with an apology for being away so long. So I won't apologize. And besides, I'm not sorry. I've been busy living, laughing and enjoying life restored.

Pretty much everyone that reads my blog reads my FB updates as well, so there isn't really much to share.

But I love to write. Writing makes me aware. Rather than being a numb participant, I become someone with a voice. By figuring out where I am in life, I gain a perspective as to whether I'm on course or not. Writing somehow takes experiences otherwise simply suffered through or overlooked, and turns them into something meaningful. Somehow if it can be told as a story it makes it worth it.

I wonder what genre my story falls into.

Errorgance

2010-03-25T05:52:00.000-07:00

After a drunken Saturday night ("Hey, you deserve some fun.") and no remorse on my part, my best friend had a "come to Jesus" talk with me.

I am a loser. Yes, without Jesus I am a whore, drunken, irresponsible, selfish, arrogant and pitiful person. The problem is....I forgot that.

I have been living constantly looking in my rearview mirror. In comparison to a single chaotic event I have been able to proclaim: "Look how strong I am", "Look how much I've done", "Look at how much I've overcome.". Me, me, me. I am awesome, I am Rosie the Riveter.

Saturday night I went out with an old friend from High School. I ALWAYS get in trouble with this friend. It's not her, she keeps her head, but I always give myself permission to throw out all boundaries when I'm with her. Because I felt like the entire galaxy was chanting "Mary have fun, you deserve it"...I did. I have been waiting for the chance to go out and celebrate my divorce. Isn't that what you do? You celebrate a years worth of hard, but good choices by getting trashed and making really, really, bad choices? Oh our twisted world.

I am so thankful for the love of friends that will tell you when you are screwing up. I feel like a schmuck, but I'd rather have the necessary humbling then get really off track and have no idea how I got there.

I've been giving myself to much grace. There is a balance, and I tipped it. "I don't want to be a smoker, but I'll deal with that later, given the circumstances its understandable.".

The decision has been made. No longer am I going to compare my life to what I came from. I'm going to stop counting the months "since I left".

New life. Day one.

Life Embellished

2010-03-18T08:25:00.000-07:00

Not only are we a stabilized family now, but fun embellishments are finding their way into our lives.

Last weekend we were able to spend the day at Disney with my family. It was magical not only because it's the funnest place on earth, but because the park means a lot to me. I loved sharing it with my children for the first time.

I practically grew up at the Magic Kingdom. From the time I was 5 going to preschool on Disney property, up until when I worked there in my twenties, I could be found at Disney a minimum of twice a year. The parks hold a familiarity similar to roaming around my parents yard. Each spot has a special memory. The kids didn't need much convincing that the place was awesome and special. They were sold before we even got off the monorail. Christian especially loved spending the day attached to Papi and seeing all the larger than life Buzz Lightyear's and Pirate's.

The weekend before Disney we went to another Florida staple: The Plant City Strawberry Festival. I was terrified leading up to the weekend because I had no one to go with. I don't mind being by myself anymore, but the thought of three kids under 4 at a festival was a bit scary. That was the weekend that cemented in my mind: we can be a complete family, even if the only parent is a mommy. We had a blast riding the rides, eating bacon dipped in chocolate and gorging ourselves on strawberries. The Port'a'potty with three kids hanging from my body while I tried not to pee on myself was DISGUSTING and horrible, but that's another story. It's hard to explain why, but the Strawberry Festival was like a rite of passage. It said to me "Hey Mary, you've kicked ass and your family is going to be fine. No more than fine...you are going to have life and life embellished!".

Speaking of embellishments... Next Wednesday will be one year since I walked out the door. Crazy huh? No, time has not flown by. It's been the longest friggin year ever, but anyways....In honor of that anniversary I got myself some ink :) Actual pictures will be forthcoming after my final session with the amazing Heather in April.

Isaiah 41:10 Do not fear for I am with you. I will strengthen you and protect you, I will uphold you with my righteous right arm.

Drawn up for me by the beautiful Beth Witte.

[nawr-muh L ]

2010-03-11T11:06:00.000-08:00

This month has been a series of "normal" days. No job searching, no daycare hunting, no financial crisis', no....setting up of anything! In Febuary we just lived.

We woke up, went to daycare/work, did our thing, did our whatever for the night (bible study, divorce care, LOST with friends,) had our bed time routine at our place and then started over again the next day.

Normalacy. Wonderful. Day to day, predictable, stress free normalacy.

Normal has two definitions:

1.Conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.

and the other

2.Serving to establish a standard.

When I first moved to Lakeland, my best friend told me "there is no normal"
As I sat in her home, surrounded by her things and trinkets collected over years of marriage, I couldn't help but feel like I had once had normal and now, I definitely did not. I felt hopeless trying to find the strength to start my life over again with three small kids.

According to definition number one, "normal" is something that is "natural, not abnormal". Well, that rules out my old life. Abuse, fighting, manipulation, fear...that's not normal.Not the common. So I guess I never had normal to begin with.

And the second definition... "Serving to establish a standard". If what I have now, this life with the kids, the safety, joy and predictability is the standard being established, I'll take it!

Ouch

2010-02-05T07:18:00.000-08:00

It's happening. Here comes the pain.

There is a theory related to pain called the Gate Theory. Basically the theory states that pain can either be stopped or started while in route by the addition or subtraction of another source. The "gate" to pain can be opened or closed.

Starting over, focusing on the kids stability has been my gate. Survival took precedence, blocking out all the other pain.

Now that God has us so nice and cozy, settled and safe....the gate has opened. My pain blocker is gone.

Lindy has this adorable way of reaching out her arms in expectation to everyone she sees. As soon as she sees someone, stranger or not, she throws herself towards them and waits for them to undoubtedly swoop her up with kisses and grins. I get it kid. I feel the same way. I find myself grasping and reaching for something to fill the hole. To be my husband, my friend, my ally.

I know that God is the only one that can make me feel whole again. Heal that place in my heart. But humanly, I still try to numb it out. Attention seeking from guys, cigarrettes, spending money, eating, grasping for anything that will close the gate to pain. I'm trying and failing and trying once again, to not create any idols. I know God is enough and I'm trying to force my actions to reflect the truth that I know...God is enough. He is my hope. He will restore. He does have plans. He will make this nightmare into something beautiful.

Glad to be your lung

2010-01-19T12:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was incredible. It was as scary as it was amazing.

One of my new patients is a five month old baby, completely ventilator dependant and at home. When I came on shift, I already didn't like the way his health was looking. 3 hours later we were on our way to the hospital for an eval.

Oh if that were only the end of the story. But no, in transit his ventilator stopped working and I ended up having to bag him from the back seat, while his mom drove. While driving her brakes gave out, so we had to pull over and call 911 for an ambulance to come get us. Once the ambulance was there I ended up riding with the patient to the hospital and bagging him the entire 45 minute drive.

As I looked down at my tiny patient, watching his chest slowly rise and fall from the breaths I was giving him, I asked the EMT if he ever felt like God. "yeah, sometimes".

I was totally awed by the fact that my hand was acting as a lung for this small baby. As I looked down at him, watching him stay nice and pink, asleep while I breathed for him, oblivious to the danger, it made me think about God and how he cares for all of us.

He is pumping life in and out of us, lovingly measuring our responses to his love, assessing what our needs are and then filling them. Sometimes our needs are painful, like leaving your husband for safety, but it must be done. And even though it may not look like it, it is still part of the life giving process.

Solitude

2010-01-15T11:42:00.000-08:00

The kids have been in their new preschool two weeks now. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the chance to have a break. The past two weeks have been getting the job nailed down and creating the daycare schedule.Check Check. Because of the daycare I've had a lot of time to do errands by myself. During those times the woman inside of me pushes mom me out of the way and asks "how are you doing?".

I don't know how I'm doing. I haven't had a chance to process what just happened. I'm divorced. It was finalized on the seventh. The man that was supposed to be my forever is now not even a close friend.

I've been able to go to my divorce care classes and its reminding me of how much healing I still have ahead of me. Now that that we have a predictable weekly schedule I'm looking forward to getting into my heart and figuring out how the hell this happened and where do I go from here.

Can I stop running now?

2009-12-19T07:50:00.001-08:00

I haven't stopped running, kids in tow, since I closed the door to my home and everything I knew on March 25th. 4 bags, $25 and three kids.

Everything has taken a million steps. Making a new life is so complicated and exhausting. Everytime I figure something out (daycare, work, legal, budget, etc) one of the peices of the chain pops out and I have to rework life all over again.

Most difficult has been the work and daycare. I am so thankful for my nursing license and the ability to get work when a lot of people can't. I'm also grateful for the shot in the arm of "You can do this!" that this job has given me, BUT..... the 16 hours shifts and night jobs doesn't allow us to get close to anything stable or normal. The kids get woken up at 5 only to spend an hour and a half in the car, get dropped off at the babysitter and then stay there until 10 pm, only to make the drive back home again. It's tiring, eats away the kids time with their one parent left and hasn't allowed me to get involved in church or Divorce Recovery.

But alas! A new job has come! I got the job I have been praying for! It's 12 hours, Monday, Wednesday and Friday and close to home. The pay is better and the hours allow me to put the kids in a regular preschool and then have dinner, bathtime and prayers at night. I'm hoping that this will help me to transition from survival mode to creating a new family normal.

Thank you God for my new job and the new preschool the kids will be at!

Christmas Eve will be 10 months.

Doomed to adultery?

2009-12-05T13:06:00.000-08:00

At Bible study Wednesday night, a heading caught my eye "Divorce". Our study wasn't even on that. It was on the equally painful subject of forgiveness, but I was side tracked for a while reading and rereading the following passage:

Mathew 5:32

I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

Does that mean that if Wasband hadn't cheated on me the day after I left I wouldn't have biblical grounds for divorce? Does that also mean I was wrong for leaving him before adultery occurred, even though he was abusing me? Is sexual unfaithfulness the only permissible exit as far as God is concerned?

My gut says no. I know God loves me and the kids and wants us to be safe. I feel I was right to leave him and even file for divorce before I ever found out about the cheating.

Wasband was abusive for years, and was becoming more so. I had tried reconciliation. I tried to work things out. But is that enough as far as God is concerned? He wants us to turn the other cheek. Forgive without a number attached to how many times.

I've tried doing topical studies and am coming up empty. The divorce is happening, that isn't going to change, but according to the scriptures I've found, I cannot get married again without sinning. Is that true?

Fret

2009-12-01T16:52:00.000-08:00

to agitate, wear away, consume, erode peace, gnaw away like acid...

...This new life is filled with so many things that can get me walking around looking like my cheeks are getting sucked into my face.

Inconsistent childcare, no child support, loss of an entire family, 16 hour work days, embarassment on not being able to afford presents, rushing around and never doing anything to the quality that I once did...on and on.

Yet God tells me not to fret. So I won't. Instead, I'll focus on the ways that I see Him providing and loving on us.

So Inspiring

2009-11-24T07:38:00.000-08:00

In the process of all this divorcing and relocating, I also had to do a lot of virtual relocating as well. Prior to March, all my favorite blogs were neatly collected in my google reader. When I switched email acounts I lost them. Big groan. But aha! I have found them and they're now properly stored over to your right. No, not by the coffee pot silly, the right of your computer screen. Go ahead, take a look...I hope you love them as much as I do.

Warning...be prepared to lose more time than you do on facebook while perusing the blogs that make me smile.

Examples of their goodness:

By the helpful and practical Audrey

Upcycle DIY by Maya* Made

DIY Garland or Christmas ornaments by Katiecupcake

Holy Cute! The things MoxieFab collected in this post are so perfectly adorable!

Bringing some blog articles to the limelight made me think that it would be fun to do a weekly collection of DIY craft projects I've found around the web. What do you think?

Dear Sir,

2009-11-17T11:05:00.000-08:00

So there's this guy (eyes rolling)...

It's totally his fault. He carried my diaper bag and loaded my kids into the car for me. (And before you race to call DCF, I know this guy. I'm not just letting strangers hang out with my kids). So anyways, he's totally helpful and a complete piece of eye candy and his name just happens to sound like some type of medieval hero. We'll just call him Troy.

To his dear helpful man-cub and well entrusted Troy, Master of eye candy, a knight of the household of the viscount of Lakeland, greeting and a ready will to do his pleasure,

Because we know that you are uneasy about the state of Verymaryland and her young minions, and are interested in the general welfare of her kingdom and those closely related therein, I do beseech thee dear Troy to give me thine muscles. Yes, give me thine muscles.

No doubt an account has already reached you regarding the cute little nickname I keep for you that I try to keep to my chambers and in conference with my maidens. Being as you are aware of my crushing, I find it beneficial to give you exact information as to our request on how this is going to go down.

As stated prior, we want your muscles. The minions need carrying and being pushed on the swings. We will need to load you up like a pack mule with diapers, garments, goblets and portable chariots. Maiden Verymary beseeches your muscles for her personal use of opening spaghetti jars as well as in battle.

We request of thee, to be the front line.

Maiden Verymary does not like wearing soldier garb or the callouses that come with wielding weaponry. On closing note, thank you for your considerations...oh and can you not wear a shirt and grease 'em up?

Gratefully yours,

Maiden Verymary

Forgiveness is tangy

2009-11-12T10:57:00.000-08:00

An excerpt from my journal:

What do my actions say about forgiveness?

Am I unforgiving or is it rightful anger?

Am I bitter or am I holding him accountable for his choices?

Maybe I have forgiven. Perhaps I only _feel_like an angry, uncompromising bitch, when I stick to my boundaries. Boundaries are something new. They feel weird. Perhaps I'm just being protective of myself after having been hurt so deeply.

It's good to protect. Healthy even. I have the choice as to what role he gets to play in my life. If he is not safe, I don't have to talk to him.

The following are hard choices made out of protection, not meanness:

1. Not talking to him

2. Limiting the kids exposure to him

3. Not budging on the boundaries I've set for child support

4. Requiring a passed drug test before he spends time with the kids.

What does unforgiveness look like?

Slandering, bringing up his failures needlessly, stubbornness, feeling like he owes me something, purposefully not moving on...I'm sure there is more. Am I doing that?

When I fume inside because the sermon is about how husbands are to protect their wives, is that unforgiveness? When the kids complain about their shoes being two small, and I get frustrated because I know I can't afford new shoes and wasband isn't helping financially at all, is that bitterness?

So it seems to me that after praying about it, I think I have forgiven him. I think what I feel is justified anger rather than unforgiveness. If I watched a dog get abused would I feel like I had unforgiveness issues because I spoke up to stop it? No! I'd be the conduit for justice.

So I have forgiven wasband. He royally screwed me over and I'm thinking that its not unforgiveness when I don't want to talk, don't want to be his friend, don't really care about what's happening in his life. God told us that there are consequences for our sin. So, it's not unforgiveness when I say "you made your bed, now you and her can lie in it."

I think I'll go have a drink...at the communion table.

Forgiveness

2009-11-11T07:34:00.000-08:00

I've gone through a lot in my life. Big deals, little deals and some just annoying things...but have been able to forgive. Forgiveness was never really a struggle for me. Until now.

I just don't know if I truly am forgiving him. At church I stayed seated and cried out of frustration as others went up to take communion. I wasn't convinced my heart was clear in regards to all that has happened between the wasband and I. So how can I take communion which is remembering and thanking God for all that He forgave me for, when I don't know if I have forgiven my ex.

I get angry. I don't want to have to be the bigger man. I don't want to let him off the hook. Another woman fell asleep on my pillow after having sex with my husband, while my children and I traveled across the country without a home. Nope, don't want to forgive. She can have my pillow but I want to be angry.

Why is he holding on?

2009-11-07T12:45:00.000-08:00

We had mediated, amicably coversed (no doubt because I just ignored his retardedness), and came up with a settlement. 15 minutes before court I texted him and he was on board....then in the closing statements he said it's not fair and court got moved to January unless we come up with a settlement.

That was a couple months ago.

Yesterday, after a three way call between my lawyer, myself and the wasband, we came up with a new settlement. All he has to do is sign on Monday.

Ninth Graders Get More Action

2009-10-30T14:10:00.000-07:00

Guys. Bleh.

Since elementary school I have not been without a relationship for more than 3 months.

It has been 7 months since I left my husband. Its starting to get a little lonely. A lot lonely. Really friggin, I'm about to name my body pillow lonely.

Yet, I have to rely on God. He is the only one that can get me through this. I don't want to just survive or cope my way through this. I want to grow, take my pain, frustrations and heartbreak and turn them into intimacy with Christ.

For a couple of months I've been chatting back and forth with a piece of man candy. He offered me understanding, a guy verbally standing up for me and saying "your husband was a fool" and made me feel like a woman and not just a mom. (For the record, we never touched). But its not right. I shouldn't numb myself. I need to face all of the pain head on...the adultery, abuse, lying, manipulation, financial strain, physical exhaustion....I don't want this waiting for me 6 months from now on the other side of some break up. So I deleted the boy from my phone and my facebook.

I'm a horrible single person but will WILL WILL be pure and continue to do what's right.

oxygen

2009-10-25T08:12:00.000-07:00

I pinch myself sometimes to make sure
I'm not in a dream, that's how it seems
I close my eyes and breathe in the sweetest moments
I've ever known, it feels like home
And here I am, I wanna be your everything
There you are turning winter into spring

And everyone that sees you always wants to know you
And everyone that knows you always has a smile
You're a standing ovation after years of waiting
For a chance to fall and shine
Everyone calls you amazing, I just call you mine

I fall apart and just a word from you seems to fix
Whatever's wrong, you reach into the weakest moments
And remind me that I'm strong, you've gotta know
I'd be a fool not to see or even worse
To forget that you're more than I deserved

And everyone that sees you always wants to know you
And everyone that knows you always has a smile
You're a standing ovation after years of waiting
For a chance to fall and shine
Everyone calls you amazing, I just call you mine

Lyrics from Martina McBride; I just call you mine

Genesis

2009-10-24T15:17:00.000-07:00

This is exciting and painful all at once.

Exciting because had we not found an escape from domestic violence, who knows where we would be. Had healing not happened over the past 7 months, my only communication would be through tears. Had we not somehow trudged through and found a new version of life, I wouldn't be able to find the time or energy to type this.

Pain lies in the space just after I hit publish for this post. My wasband was the one who introduced me to blogging, helped me find my voice and enthusiastically praised my every post. Now I hope that he never finds this private piece of Cyber real estate.

I'm back in the blogging neighborhood and so happy to see you.